Do you know His Majesty, Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Muizzaddin Waddaulah, the Sultan of Brunei? Do you know someone who knows him? If so, kindly pass along this important missive:
It has been 13 insufferable years since William Henry “Bill” Gates III surpassed you in total wealth. These have been dark days indeed, with unparalleled personal fortune defined not by harems and saffron-fueled Lamborghinis made of gold, but by stock options and sensible V-neck sweaters.
We at Betabrand long to return you to your rightful place as jewel-encrusted standard-bearer for supreme opulence incarnate, so we’ve begun a grassroots effort to reinstate you as the world’s wealthiest man. Our first order of business: giving you the world’s most expensive pair of pants.
Though this may look like a pair of our $90 horizontal-corduroy pants, this particular pair is special. Valued conservatively at $983 million, this is, without a doubt, the world’s fanciest pair of pants. And they’re yours for free! And what makes these pants so valuable?
* The cotton of these fine corduroy trousers was grown and loomed exclusively on the International Space Station, then hand-sewn by professional hand models, also in orbit, using fibers from the Shroud of Turin and Barry Bonds’ 756th homerun baseball.
* King Tut’s sarcophagus was melted down and molecularly compacted to form its 24-millimeter button.
* Inspector #6 inspected these pants 6,000 times before proclaiming them flawless and then dying in ecstasy.
* They were washed in a bath of babies’ tears, warmed by a still-smoldering meteorite.
* They carry the scent of the small of Sophia Loren’s back.
* They were serenaded by the ghost of Liberace.
* Finally, and we’re not sure how, at least eight Faberge eggs and a squadron of stealth fighters were destroyed in the production of these pants.
We know you expect nothing less. With this great gift of clothing, you are nearly 1/16th of the way to overtaking your rival in riches. Merely a sub-billion-dollar pittance, for sure, but we at Betabrand believe all great campaigns start with a small step in the right direction.
Your Faithful Servants at Betabrand