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The Envy Edition of the Seven Sins Series: King Smut’s Pants

Earlier this year, a team of Betabrand fashion archaeologists made a stunning discovery in Egypt’s famous Valley of the Kings. While digging for remains near the Temple of Karnak, they stumbled across the lost tomb of the libertine pharaoh Smutankhamun, better known as King Smut.

Smutankhamun was the inventor of pornoglyphics — the Hef of his time — therefore the most envied man in the ancient world. Under his lusty rule, the kingdom of Egypt enjoyed a period of nearly non-stop action. Even mummies went unclothed.

Not only did our team unearth the sarcophagus of this legendary lecher, they also found his fabled golden trousers, known to possess libidinal forces more powerful than the mighty Nile.

Museums around the world have offered us vast sums of money for these 3,000-year-old pants. But we decided to auction them off to the highest bidder. All hail Christopher Simmons, the new King Smut!

Did you know?

  • Not only was Smutankhamun ruler of Egypt, he was author of the popular “Yummy Mummy” series of erotic papyrus scrolls.
  • The pants are said to contain the ancient world’s most powerful aphrodisiac, born of the pharaoh’s own preternatural musk as well as the remains of 300 spectacularly endowed stallions with whom he was buried.

  • None of the Smutankhamun’s favorite eunuchs were allowed within 10 cubits of his pants, lest they regain their virility on the spot.

  • Legend has it Smutankhamun inspired the young sword-sheath maker Ramses to change his product line.
  • The owner of these pants will learn the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx. (Hint: It’s unbelievably lewd.)
  • According to legend, his pants were forged in the furnace of Osiris with gold smelted by Ra, and both were naked at the time.
  • His tomb was discovered beneath a pair of perky and well-proportioned pyramids.

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