BETABRAND PRESENTS: THE BIG CHILL

New ultra-relaxing seersucker hoodies have arrived! Plus, we’re chockablock
with news from the Comanches; the third installment in our oceanic adventure
series; discounts galore; and the Eco Knievel Stunt Spectacular!

Betabrand is proud to announce the latest creation from our SuckerLab research facility: a seersucker hoodie engineered to transform the stuffiest of stuffed shirts into Lord Chillington of Stonershire in an astounding 15 seconds flat! (See the latest research below.)

So how did we fuse fashion and science to create this impossibly relaxing garment? We should first dispel some of the more outlandish theories circulating in the media. For example, we didn’t retro-engineer technology from a wrecked alien spacecraft from the planet Xanax. Nor did we manage to grow a new strain of cotton genetically modified with Matthew McConaughey’s DNA.

The simple truth is that we started with the softest, lightest horizontally puckered seersucker around. We then employed a team of master Yogic seamstresses to weave a sense of peacefulness into every hoodie, while the SuckerLab sound system played an endless loop of whale song overlaid by the soulful Om chanting of Barry White. Finally, each garment was treated to a soothing bath in our proprietary blend of sloth sweat, Novocaine, and chamomile tea.

The result: a great-looking hoodie imbued with unparalleled powers of relaxation. As proof, we’ve included the results of our most recent testing session. Note the rapid and dynamic transformation that takes place after the subject dons a SuckerLab Seersucker Hoodie — available now in crimson and decaf espresso.

Test subject #120: Investment Banker J. Grafenberg IV

  • Subject’s tie now dyed.
  • A powdery residue of Cheeto and/or Funyun origin has appeared around subject’s semi-gaping mouth.
  • Subject inquiring about the possibility of hitching a ride to “this dude’s house, just past, you know, that Chinese place on the corner.”

  • Subject grinning uncontrollably and performing intermittent bongo/bong solos.
  • Subject continues to mumble dreamily about how awesome Chinese food would be right now.
  • Subject has sprouted a large, lush beard.
  • Subject has somehow acquired a small yurt, which he has haphazardly set up in the testing room.

  • Subject heard wondering aloud what would happen if the world’s leaders “just got together and played some Hacky Sack.”
  • Subject’s blood pressure has fallen to levels consistent with cryogenic freezing.
  • Subject no longer answering to given name; responds only to variations of “bro,” “brah,” or “Doctor Smooth.”
  • Subject reports he’s “just following (his) bliss, man.”

We invite you to test our hoodies for yourself. They’re available now — only in the Betabrand online store.

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Seersucker Pants: Group Order Discounts

With wedding-party requests for our seersucker pants starting to roll in, we thought this would be a good time to remind everyone entering nuptial bliss that yes, we offer group discounts.

If seersucker pants sound like the icing on your wedding cake, please let us know as soon as possible. Our summer supply of puckery pants is very limited, so size selection will get spotty by the end of May.

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Comanches Club Meeting

The San Francisco Comanches are calling all members to a mandatory meeting this Friday (May 6) at the Timbuk2 store on Hayes at 6 p.m. sharp. Agenda items include: beer drinking, wheelie riding, and other relatively benign two-wheeled gangsterism.

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Island Quest 2011: A South Pacific Video Adventure (Part 3)

In this week’s episode, our intrepid seafarer meets Robinson of Robinson Crusoe Island and discusses both lobsters and bag piping while wearing his trusty Cordarounds.

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Vagisoft Flash Sale Extended Through Midnight Tonight!

Think a freshly laundered bunny is soft? Click here to get your mitts on a blanket made from the second-softest material known to man. The great Vagisoft Blanket sale of 2011 ends today! Only $40!

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Coming This Month: Eco Knievel

Betabrand is proud to announce an environmental doubleheader: 1) a Commonwealth Club roundtable on injecting testosterone into the environmental movement and 2) the death-defying Eco Knievel stunt jump, in which an electric bike will soar over a bio-diesel monster truck at Maker Faire. Yes, we’re teaming up with San Francisco’s Onya Cycles to perform the world’s first 100% sustainable stunt — which also happens to be 1,000% badass. If you have any experience saving the Earth or cheating death and would like to help, please let us know. Look for more info in upcoming editions of the Betabrand newsletter.

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THE BETABRAND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE

See other Betabrand fans face-to-face on our Facebook fan page. This is our message board, rumor mill, lightning deal depot and Model Citizen HQ.

Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110

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Betabrand Supercomputer

I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.
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I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.