Betabrand Presents: The Return of Graphite Grays, and A Brief History of Our Corduroy Trouser Triumphs

The Greyhounds of Our Corduroy Kennel

Betabrand, manufacturer of the world’s most aerodynamic corduroy pants, is proud to unleash the latest edition of our Graphite Gray Cordarounds — not only our fastest-selling corduroy pants, but quite possibly the fastest pants on the planet, period.

How fast? For years, legend held that they were bequeathed to humanity by the speed-addled god Hermes himself in a secret ceremony atop Mt. Olympus. (Actually, they’re made in small, limited-edition batches in San Francisco.)

Like all our Cordarounds, they’re engineered with corduroy that goes sideways instead of up-and-down, dramatically lowering trouser drag coefficient (TDC) and enabling the wearer to reach heretofore unthinkable velocities. Imagine being strapped to a giant peregrine falcon as he dives toward his prey. A falcon that is, in turn, strapped to an SR-71 Blackbird. You get the idea.*

No matter how you choose to harness the power of these comfy mid-weight cords, know that you’ll look good and feel good doing it. With their handsome gray exterior and peek-a-boo pockets featuring a midnight-blue checker lining, we think Graphite Grays will earn you more than a few compliments. That is, if you can stand still long enough.

A few facts about Graphite Gray Cordarounds:

  • Familiar corduroy swooshing sound replaced by sonic booms.
  • Each pair prewashed in a proprietary blend of Four Loko and cheetah urine.
  • Will instantly transform classical guitarists into spittle-spewing, speed-metal demons.
  • Banned from Olympic competition as a performance-enhancing pant.
  • Should be laundered using the highest-octane detergent available.
  • Will make wearer the Casanova of the speed-dating circuit.
  • Favorite trouser of bullet-train-hopping hobos.
  • Greatly increases wearer’s chances of experiencing spontaneous greyhound leg-humping.
  • If ground up and snorted, will rock your freakin’ world.
  • *While jogging over to craft services for a cruller during a recent Graphite Gray photoshoot, Betabrand model Stack McCormick inadvertently accelerated to more than 150 mph and promptly vacated the greater San Francisco Bay Area. If you see Mr. McCormick, please call our emergency hotline at 800.694.9491.

    Graphite Grays are available right now at Betabrand.com. To purchase a pair, click here.

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    Great Moments in Corduroy

    Of course, Graphite Grays are just the latest Betabrand achievement in the world of horizontal-corduroy pants. Here’s a sampling of our other storied triumphs:

    At Last, Pants with Built-in Sliencers

    Why are Cordarounds the preferred pant of secret agents, ninjas, and justice-seeking vigilantes like the indomitable Ted Fist? That’s easy: The meshing wales of these wonderpants allow for effortlessly swish-free sneakabouts — no vrrt-vrrts, woosh-wooshes, or other onomatopoeic tip-offs that you’re on the prowl. Click to read more.

    Made in Partnership With the Devil

    Betabrand, the world’s foremost purveyor of horizontal corduroy pants, is always looking to make a splash by subverting that which is vertical. This includes our genetically modified zebra breeding program and our recent “Say No to Longitude” PSA campaign. Now, with the help of the world’s foremost practitioner of the dark arts, we’ve reoriented the once-vertical striations of Wyoming’s sinister Devils Tower. Click to read more.

    Green Pants, Not Green Pants

    The factory we built to produce these pants is made of only the stoutest, most ancient redwoods. They were transported via smoke-belching steamships from the forests of Northern California to a repurposed oil platform, which we’ve thoughtfully anchored to a particularly biodiverse section of the Great Barrier Reef. Click to read more.

    Brown Alert! Brown Alert!

    In response to recent reports of trouser-less hordes rampaging through America’s public transit systems, the President has raised the national pant-threat level to an unprecedented BROWN! Thank goodness this spate of bottomless bedlam coincides with the release of a special batch of Cordarounds brown britches! Click to read more.

    Finally, Horizontal Corduroy Pants

    Unlike vertical corduroy, which produces friction that can heat your crotch to uncomfortable, even dangerous levels, Cordarounds’ horizontal wales mesh evenly, lowering the average wearer’s crotch heat index (CHI) by up to 22%. Click to read more.

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    VANITY MODEL CITIZEN CONTEST

    In just 48 hours, we’ve received an astounding 26 Model Citizen submissions for the Vanity Model Citizen challenge. The winner gets his own brand of pants, with his name on the back—just like a Hilfiger, Lauren, or Jordache. With stakes this high, how can you not enter? The contest runs through April 5th, but the sooner you enter, the more time you have to get votes. So start snapping and send us your shots.

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    THE BETABRAND FACEBOOK FAN PAGE

    See other Betabrand fans face-to-face on our Facebook fan page. This is our message board, rumor mill, lightning deal depot and Model Citizen HQ.

    Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110

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