The vertical wales of traditional corduroy pants put nads at risk. The safe alternative to common cords: horizontally waled Cordarounds.
We wish we could simply announce the arrival of our new Gray-Leopard and Owl-AttackCordarounds, and leave it at that. But when a pandemic of poor pant choices leads to unintended genital ignitions across America, we must speak up.
It’s no secret that the vertical wales of traditional corduroy pants cause unseemly swooshing, but now health officials warn of a far graver threat: friction from these wales rubbing together can result in catastrophic thermal release — “nothing less than a scrotal Hindenburg,” according to one expert.
By contrast, Cordarounds utilize horizontal wales that mesh during motion, drastically reducing the chance of spontaneous crotch combustion.
Of course we want to sell you pants, but we also want you to avoid immolating that most precious of bodily intersections below the belt. So if you’re wearing traditional corduroy pants, we urge you to disrobe immediately — lest your gonads soon resemble the fiery eyes of Satan himself — and order a pair of Gray-Leopard or Owl-AttackCordarounds.
We made just a limited batch of each, so get yours while you can. (Women’s Cordaroundsalso available.)
Should you insist on wearing vertically waled cords instead of Cordarounds, ill-advised as that may be, at least heed these CDC recommendations:
Consider flame-retardant underwear.
Incorporate precautionary “stop, drop and roll” into your daily commute.
Wear a fanny pack filled with Dippin’ Dots at all times.
Keep the groin zone free of underbrush.
New In Crowdfunding: Sunrise-to-Sunset Travel Shirt
Introducing a new travel top that keeps the adventure going from morning to night (and from night to morning, if you’re so inclined).
Whether you’re hiking or hitting the town, Tony Wloch’s chic black top is designed to be your ultimate travel companion.