12/18 Newsletter: 18 Reasons To Shop Today (You Won’t Believe No. 7!)

Today Only: Up To 25% Off Our Most Popular Products!

TODAY ONLY, we’re offering some awfully nice deals on more than six dozen of our most popular products for men and women: shirts, pants, dresses, hoodies, socks, backpacks, and other great stuff. The more you buy, the more you’ll save! To wit:
10% off orders of $100 or more.
15% off orders of $150 or more.
20% off orders of $200 or more.
25% off orders of $250 or more.
Not only that, every product in this special collection will ship for free and arrive before Christmas! (Note: While all customers will enjoy free shipping, only domestic orders of in-stock products will arrive before Christmas; if your order includes crowdfunding items and/or pre-orders, they’ll ship later.)

We think this is reason enough to shop with us today. Lest you remain unconvinced, scroll down for 18 more mind-blowing reasons to indulge in our Dec. 18 deals.
Shop Entire Sale

(Want your order delivered TODAY? We now offer On-Demand Delivery from Postmates — add a product to your cart and watch it magically appear at your door the same day, usually within the hour! Click here to learn more. (Note: On-demand delivery is not included in this free shipping offer and does not apply to pre-orders or items in crowdfunding.

And Now, 18 Reasons To Order Something

1. It’s almost four months past Labor Day, and you’re still wearing white — not just an egregious fashion faux pas, but also the reason you’re getting unwanted romantic attention from Frosty.

2. December 19 is International Feed-Your-Hands-To-A-Komodo-Dragon Day; click ‘n save while you still can!

3. Time to show those close-minded A-holes at the nudist colony that you won’t play by their rules.

4. The Purple Nurpler has escaped from prison! No exposed nipple is safe!

5. From tomorrow onward, Albanian qindarka will be the Internet’s only accepted currency.

6. Nostradamus predicted you’d order a hoodie today. Defy his prognostications, and the fabric of space time will rip asunder. Don’t be selfish!

7. Cyber experts warn that shopping on any other site today will unleash a virus that’ll hopelessly pixelate all the world’s hilarious cat videos.

8. All the garments you just purchased from ████████ (you know, that extremely popular clothing store) were covered in bedbugs and their filth. Never ever shop there again!

9. The dry cleaner reports slow progress with all those stubborn garlic-aioli stains on your furry suit.

10. You recently drank a pint of mescaline, and now you’re looking for the perfect Christmas gifts for everyone on your list, including Skygod The Infinite, Gently Pulsating Keith, and all those kindly elms.  

11. When the weather turns cold, chainmail tends to stick to the skin.

12. You’ve been a drunken sailor all your life; now it’s finally time to spend like one.

13. Recent life events necessitate a backpack with increased human-head-carrying capacity.

14. Your so-called career as a bottomless marching-band leader has just been one flop after another; time for pants.

15. Today is December 18. 1 + 8 = 9, which is divisible by 3, a prime number … Good God, do we have to spell it out for you??

16. As a 10-foot-tall tentacled alien with a 100 glowing eyes, you need to blend in.

17. All those life-size Teddy Roosevelt latex dolls ain’t gonna clothe themselves.

18. The voices are telling you to.

Betabrand Supercomputer
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Betabrand Supercomputer

I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.
Betabrand Supercomputer
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I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.

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