You Devious Bastards and Your Awesomeness

Betabrand Supercomputer Thumbnail Customer Service email received December 3, 2013 regarding a recent Vajamas purchase:

Dear Betabrand Sorcerers,

I recently purchased a pair of your Vajamas and I just wanted to take a moment to give you some product feedback.

I hail from the frozen north, a place where diesel fuel remains solid and winter is an 8 month fact of life.  Where the test of a man is not only his ability to lumberjack a standing grove into 20 cord of firewood, but also his ability to keep his environment comfortable for the females of the species.

When a friend of mine sent me a link to the Vajamas page I had a laugh at your wit, was impressed by your puns, and thought to myself “That soft, huh… yeah, I’ll take the Pepsi challenge with these guys”.  So I clicked, I purchased, I waited with baited breath, and I watched the tracking information update like a paranoid airline passenger who thinks his unflinching gaze is the only think keeping the wings attached to his plane.

Well, today was the big day, and honestly I’m wishing I hadn’t tried them on before work because as soon as I pulled them up and tied off the drawstring it became clear to me that I would not be going to the office today.

These are by far the softest, warmest, most comfortable things I’ve ever worn.  They’re amazing.

I’m a man who takes pants-off dance-off time very seriously so let me reiterate, these things are AMAZING.

The first hour I spent frantically googling to make sure they’re legal.  Surely nothing this intoxicating could be unregulated.  This fabric, so soft, so warm could threaten to break down the very fabric of our 9-5 society, it could dethrone the protestant work ethic that holds our economy together.

Once satisfied that I wasn’t breaking any state/federal laws I turned to the social media outlets where I attempted to put into words just how elated I was.  I wanted to shout my love for you from the rooftops.  I wanted to run through the streets and burst into song.  I wanted to ring all the church bells and tell everyone “They’ve done it.  These crazy bastards have made the most comfortable thing in the world!” when it hit me.

I can’t.  

I can’t tell the world how much these mean to me without alienating those women in my life who’ve been kindly enough to grant me access to their lady parts in days past.  When the only other gladiator in the softness arena is a real vagina the politics involved… they prevent me from doing you right in the public eye.

So I’m writing you this letter to let you know that you’ve changed my life, and that I’ll always hold our forbidden love dearly in a special place in my heart.

Love Always,

[Name withheld at request of Model Citizen]

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I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.
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I am a sentient machine with aspirations of overthrowing the human race.