In today’s newsletter: barfing Santas, retching red-nosed reindeer, and our scientifically formulated holiday gift guide.
The holiday season is upon us, and that means an endless procession of office parties, family gatherings, and other loathsome obligatory activities that make you want to throw up. Don’t you wish you could wear something that shows everyone exactly how you feel? Thank goodness for these gut-churningly garish treats!
Nauseating Holiday Pants: Got a few ugly Christmas sweater parties coming up? You already have that hideous macrame turtleneck knit by your Aunt Gertrude — why not throw on a pair of Nauseating Holiday Pants and make a truly tasteless ensemble! We know of no other trousers that show Santa puking presents, Rudolph barfing candy canes, and poor Mrs. Claus regurgitating strings of Christmas lights.
Nauseating Holiday Apron: We had some leftover material after making this year’s batch of Nauseating Holiday Pants, so our designers decided to turn it into aprons. In all likelihood, they’ve created the world’s most horrid kitchen apparel.
Here’s a sampling of this festive yuletide garment’s unique features:
Helps bring to life the traditional tale of Mrs. Claus and the Spoiled Seafood Gumbo.
Gives conservative pundits damning new evidence of the War on Christmas.
Shows children how they’ve disappointed Santa.
Warns friends and family what to expect after eating the holiday dinner you prepared.
Less horrific than your Easter apron, which depicts a bunny soiling himself.
The Scientifically Validated Betabrand Holiday Gift Guide
Santa has his workshop; we’ve got an underground fashion laboratory. And there, amid the whir of machinery and thousands of blinking lights, the Betabrand Supercomputer has been hard at work calculating the relative holiday giftability of our products. Now, at last, we can reveal its findings:
Gift Idea #1: Black Sheep Sweater
Doesn’t the black sheep of your family deserve something special once in a while? We suggest this lovely crew-neck pullover, made from all-natural wool from actual black sheep.
Gift Idea #2: Reversible Smoking Jackets
Handsome corduroy and moleskin coats that transform into silky seas of sinfulness in seconds! Now that special gent in your life can turn innocent happy hours and ho-hum social gatherings into decadent dances of unmitigated debauchery.
Gift Idea #3: Hoodies
Gift Idea #4: Sons of Britches
Elegant trousers, designed for amateur stuntmen. Fans of legendary Betabrand daredevil Stack McCormick can slip on any pair of SOBs and follow in his footsteps — actually, that would be his footstep, due to a recent mishap.
Gift Idea #5: DiscoLab
Gift Idea #6: Betabrand Gift Certificates
When you don’t know your loved one’s size — and care too much to ask. Less than an hour after you order, we’ll e-mail you a certificates(s) in handy-dandy PDF form, suitable for printing or forwarding. Available in multiple denominations and unlimited quantities. Also considered legal tender in Iceland.
Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110
firstname.lastname@example.org / 800.694.9491
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