Newsletter keywords: slobbering Commies, Shevel Knievel, hirsute dessert toppings, extreme star-spanglement.
Recently, the White House ordered Betabrand to more fully comply with the Patriot Act. We were tasked specifically with ensuring that the public had access to a reliable source of all-American apparel in time for the summer holiday season. And this is what we came up with: the all-new, star-spangled Betabrand LibertyLab, featuring shirts, skirts, pants, and a cape-apron hybrid.
USA Pants: Style Worth Saluting
Whether you’re planning to enjoy an Independence Day parade or represent America in the 2012 Olympic Pantathalon, rest assured that when you put on a pair of USA Pants, you instantly become the most preposterously patriotic person around.
Whether you wear them at half mast on Memorial Day is up to you; we recommend consulting local ordinances beforehand.
USA Skirt: A New Look For Lady Liberty
One of our designers swears that she was recently visited in the dead of night by the ghost of Betsy Ross, who implored her to create a new star-spangled garment for women — or suffer eternal torment.
Was this an actual poltergeist? Or was it our designer’s elderly, inebriated neighbor, who happens to have a penchant for climbing through open windows? We’ll never know. What is clear is that our brand-new USA Skirt is so darn sexy, it’ll make even the most die-hard Communist drool.
Here are a few more freedom-loving facts about this Old Glory-inspired garment:
Perfect when the occasion calls for something a little dressier than your Wonder Woman costume.
Design based on the skirt worn by Shevel Knievel when she jumped over Mount Rushmore on her rocket-cycle.
Lets you shoot fireworks at people with legal impunity on Independence Day.
Will make you feel like the lovechild of Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty.
As American as apple pie topped with George Washington’s wig.
Proudly made in San Francisco, the most all-American city there is.
Caperon: Half Cape, Half Apron, All-American
FCC regulations preclude us from claiming that the Caperon will give you powers of spontaneous marination or the ability to fly. But we’re pretty sure it will. After all, this unique cape-apron hybrid was designed for America’s greatest grilling superheroes.
Like USA Skirts and Pants, we make our Caperons in small, limited-edition batches — right here in the good ol’ US of A. What’s more, they’ve been officially endorsed by mighty Swiftwing, King of All Bald Eagles.
Rocket Eagle Tees: Freedom Never Felt So Comfy
Speaking of eagles, we just whipped up a batch of Rocket Eagle Tees for men and women. They’re based on the original T-shirts worn by Washington and his men when they crossed the Delaware, or so our designers say.
Executive Hoodies: Capitalism Run Amok
We thought it would be fitting to end today’s all-American newsletter with a quick note about our new Executive Hoodies. Thanks to style-conscious captains of industry across the country, we’ve already sold through three production runs of the original Gray Pinstripe version! Fortunately, we’ve just made Navy Pinstripe and Glen Plaid Hoodies available for pre-order. Snag yours while you can!
Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110
email@example.com / 800.694.9491
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