ThermoSucka technology, pure disconium, and a sample sale at Betabrand HQ.
Black: Now The Official Color Of Summer
Black trousers for spring and summer? Yes! Not only is the fabric in our new Black Seersucker Pants remarkably light and comfortable, its puckered grooves go sideways instead of up-and-down. The result: quite possibly the coolest warm-weather pants ever invented.
The secret is our patented ThermoSucka cooling technology. See, not all seersucker is created equal. As any reputable professor of thermodynamics will tell you, the vertical grooves of traditional seersucker trousers can form an uncomfortable — often incendiary — column of superheated air that gets whisked toward the gonad zone at hypersonic speed. Thank goodness our fashion engineers designed horizontal seersucker that deflects this invisible menace, keeping you 99.9% safe from spontaneous crotch combustion. Whew!
Just wait ’til the next warm-weather affair that calls for stylish dark trousers: You’ll stay cool as a freon Popsicle while other gentlemen melt into puddles of sizzling goo. (Want a different color? Check out our other seersucker pants in the all-new SuckerLab.)
A Skirt Of Unrivaled Brilliance!
Our new Disco Skirt is also super-comfy for spring — it’s as breathable as it is beautiful. But please remember that this garment poses a serious ophthalmological hazard to those around you.
Like all DiscoLab inventions, the Disco Skirt is forged from 100% pure disconium, the shiniest substance in the known universe. That means no matter the occasion, all eyes will be on you. Unfortunately, the corneas of all those eyes will be irreparably scorched if they stare at your skirt too long.
While you may actually welcome this in the case of cat-calling construction workers, we suggest telling friends and family to exercise the same caution that they would when viewing a solar eclipse.
Sales, Samples, Suds, And An HQ Invite
Have you checked out our Sale Page? It’s filled with rebranded items at sensationally low prices. Most will be removed from our site and summarily rocketed into space very soon, so this is your last chance to get incredible deals on the Luxembourg Navy Coat, Signature Poopy Pants, the Gangreenie Geenie, and much, much more.
For folks in San Francisco, an extra treat: Next Friday (April 13), we’re holding a Sample Sale at Betabrand World Headquarters. In addition to all our regular offerings, you’ll have a chance to buy super-discounted samples, prototypes, and leftovers from production runs of yore. There will also be delicious free beer, Model Citizen catwalking opportunities, the chance to peer into the wondrous future of the clothing industry, and free beer. More details to come in next week’s newsletters.
Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110
email@example.com / 800.694.9491
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