Newsletter keywords: fresh new horizontal cords, syphilis-based delusions, fantastic savings, a waltz of fiery doom.
Trouser enthusiasts, corduroy aficionados, and all other male bipeds: rejoice! Four new terrific batches of Cordarounds just showed up — editions 72–75, to be exact.
Say hello to Slate, Onyx, Moss, and Graphite. We’re celebrating their auspicious arrival with a Diamond Jubilee of Deals: Now through Thursday, buy any two pairs of our semi-famous horizontal-corduroy pants, get $40 off!
For the last seven years, we’ve preached the virtues of sideways corduroy: lower crotch heat, increased aerodynamics, and an astonishingly quieter gait. And we’ve gradually we’ve begun to loosen the hammer-fisted grip of vertical-corduroy pants — cordawrongs, if you will — on the global trouser trade. We’re hoping 2012 will be a breakthrough year, and we need your help!
How can you show your support? By purchasing ungodly numbers of Cordarounds. In addition, you can educate yourself and loved ones about the true history of corduroy, which you won’t find anywhere else.
Every kindergartner knows that the first corduroy trousers were made from reeds and cattle dung in ancient Mesopotamia. But did you know that this corduroy was horizontal? In fact, sideways corduroy was the standard for thousands of years, until Louis XIII of France, his brain ravaged by cognac and syphilis, decreed in 1620 that all corduroy should run vertically, so that the tiny insurrectionists who lived on his trouser legs would have nowhere to hide.
Who knows how history might have unfolded had his paranoid delusions not changed the face of corduroy! The Great Chicago Fire, for example: not caused by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow but, in fact, by Mrs. O’Leary’s husband, whose indefatigable attempts to learn the waltz while wearing corduroy trousers sparked a fiery crotch conflagration! Got other corduroy cover-ups to expose? Post them on our Facebook Fan Page.
Meanwhile, we invite you to join Betabrand’s noble quest to realign corduroy forever. Here are some thrilling tales of corduroy wales to inspire your grassroots efforts.
- We battle the evil forces of Vertical Corduroy!
- We build a pant-shaped zeppelin!
- We enter into a business partnership with Satan!
- We create the least "green" corduroy pants ever!
- We team up with the federal government to battle pantlessness!
- We prove that getting fit needn’t involve exercise!
And what sort of greedy business would we be if we failed to remind you about our special Cordarounds deal? Now through Thursday: buy any two, get $40 off.
Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110
email@example.com / 800.694.9491
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