Whereas other clothing companies advertise in such venerable publications as Filbert’s Haberdashers Quarterly, Pant and Leg, and The Trouser Intelligencer, Betabrand has decided to build a blimp so big that it blots out the sun.
This mighty airship shall serve not only as an advertising vehicle but also as headquarters for all our operations. That’s right, your clothing will soon be produced amongst the clouds. Soaring eagles will inspire our scientists; brilliant sunshine will invigorate our seamstresses. It’s one more reason to feel superior when you slip on a pair of our pants.
But we’re going to need help. Lots of help. The Betabrand Zeppelin will require hundreds of able-bodied crew members, from pilots to Pilates instructors. All you need is the right attitude and at least one pair of Betabrand trousers. Remember, we’re not looking for just anyone — we’re looking for anyone who wears our pants.
All positions will carry the “aero-” prefix, making even the most mundane endeavor significantly more important-sounding (aeroaccountant: more than a job — an adventure!). In addition, our salaries and comprehensive benefits package are among the best in the airborne-clothing-manufacturing industry.
Current Job Openings
Aero-chef: Duties will include overseeing the harpooning and gourmet preparation of geese and other migratory fowl.
Aero-conductor: Responsible for leading our in-house symphony orchestra in thunderous Wagnerian overtures whenever the Betabrand Zeppelin appears on the horizon.
Aero-aristocrat: Must be a pompous dandy and/or professional layabout, with blood bluer than the stratosphere. Will manage compulsory cocktail hour(s).
Aero-strongman: Will do corporate “heavy lifting,” both literally and figuratively — mostly literally. Minimum three years of handlebar-mustache growth required.
AeroC++ Engineer, Level 5: Conceptual understanding of software design process, with focus on database and data analytics. Knowledge of Perl and formation. Wing-walking experience encouraged.
Aero-aquanaut: Did we mention our Olympic-sized swimming pool?
In addition to the prestige of working at 10,000 feet, our zeppelin is jam-packed with luxury features to make each and every workday memorable. Here are but a few:
- Gourmet cafeteria featuring the finest in migratory fowl, harpooned daily by our world-renowned aero-chefs. (Be sure to try our famous Hindenburger, made from 1/2 pound of pure Canada goose.)
- Day care for tots and bots.
- Full-service spa and skydiving facilities.
- Falcon-friendly work environment.
- Full retirement and cryogenic benefits.
Welcome aboard! There’s room for 500, plus livestock!
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