In today's newsletter: brotherhood of the traveling pants & defense technology solutions for your office.
#1 Karate Casuals: Martial-Art Masters of Travel Comfort
Plan to spend a lot of time driving, flying, or horseback riding to vacation destinations? Then consider packing a pair of Betabrand's Karate Casuals, drawstring trousers engineered for optimal ass-sitting.
We started by making Karate Casuals from some of the lightest, softest, most breathable materials around, including cotton twill, seersucker, hemp, and linen. Then our engineers subjected them to a withering battery of endurance tests that included cross-country road trips in smart cars; flights to Kathmandu seated between the McCrary twins; a week of summer train rides in a boxcar full of heavily perspiring hobos; and marathon video gaming/Hot Pocketing staycations.
The results? Karate Casuals kept our test subjects feeling remarkably cool and fresh, despite exposure to near-toxic levels of sweat and fast-food flatulence. (Those who wore Mary-Go-Rounds were also more likely to experience a miraculous camouflaging of spilled condiments.)
#2 Disco Pants: Breathable, Swimmable
Traveling somewhere toasty and need ultra-eye-catching clothes that won't cause heat stroke? Wish that you could find cool pants that were also cool pants? Look no further than Disco Pants.
Then look closer. You'll see the remarkably breathable combination of fine mesh and heat-reflecting disconium that acts like built-in air conditioning, making your legs and nether region feel like they're frosted with freon. (Alas, fabric breathability is more easily experienced than explained, as the following video demonstrates.)
And if the heat becomes unbearable, rest assured that Disco Pants are also the world's premiere aqua-trouser.
#3 USA Pants: Overseas Adventure!
Traveling to Yemen, North Korea, or the tribal areas of Pakistan this summer? What better way for you to share your love of America than by wearing a pair of USA Pants!
We guarantee that the mere sight of these fine cotton trousers will cause blood-curdling screams of approval. Add extra zest to your vacation by performing unsolicited Lee Greenwood a cappella and loudly inquiring about the location of the nearest Applebee's.
Custom-Patch DARPA Hoodies for Companies, Clubs, and Cults
As every effective leader knows, corporate camaraderie is not developed through ropes courses, weekend retreats, or preaching the virtues of sacrifice and hard work. It's achieved by showering employees with cool stuff. That's why we're doing another run of limited-edition Soft-Top DARPA Hoodies with custom company patches.
Just send us your design — the more ridiculous, the better — and we’ll quickly transform it into a fun patch that gets sewn onto the sleeve or breast of a super-soft, organic cotton/hemp hoodie. We suggest using things like eagles, cryptic Latin phrases, and other tried-and-true armed forces motifs; after all, our hoodie is named after a mysterious defense agency. Now you can make your operations team feel like a black ops team!
The last time we offered custom hoodies, our resident DARPA-funded mastermind ordered a batch for his employees at HowToons and Onya Cycles. Then the folks at Xobni came up with an inspirational design (above, left) for their hoodies. And then a company building an oil rig in China swooped in and pretty much cleaned out our remaining inventory. Really.
This time around, you have the option of ordering custom hoodies in traditional red and gray as well as black, blue, and brown. Please scroll down to check out our group pricing discounts. (Order 200 or more, and you get to choose any color in the visible spectrum.)
Don’t settle for boring sweatshirts or windbreakers bearing your corporate logo. You and your coworkers deserve an awesome, high-tech hoodie that lets everyone know that you mean business. (Custom hoodies are also great for clubs and cults. What better way to show off your enthusiasm for unicycles — or your apocalyptic worldview?)
For more information, please e-mail us at email@example.com.
Custom Hoodie Group Discount Pricing (Minimum Order of 10)
The bigger your team, the better the deal. Here’s the lowdown on group discounts:
- 10-49: $90
- 50-199: $85
- 200+: $80 (plus you get to choose any color you want!)
(Of course, you can buy a regular, unadorned DARPA Hoodie as well.)
Betabrand / 3435 Cesar Chavez #224A / San Francisco, CA 94110
firstname.lastname@example.org / 800.694.9491
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