Introducing the Martial Art of Non-Jitsu

Karate Casual drawstring slacks are designed for around-the-house wear but can be worn outside as well, should you tire of delivery pizza. They’re made of 100% linen, hemp, and seersucker–preferred fabrics of porch-sitters, lay-abouts, and the low-pulsed. You cinch ‘em with a sturdy, 1-inch black belt handsomely decorated with 11 stripes.

Why 11? Because by owning a pair, you instantly earn an 11th degree black belt in non-jitsu. You see, unlike other schools of martial arts, which require years of devotion to earn a black belt, in our dojo you start with the 11th degree, then degrade over time as you become more disciplined.

Stripe 1—Drooling Eagle: Owner refreshes himself — not by washing, but by throwing self into dryer, with Country Mist-scented Bounce sheet.

Stripe 2—Slouching Crane: Owner bravely wears pants from Friday evening through Monday morning.

Stripe 3—Drowsy Hound: Owner and dog share six bags of buttered popcorn.

Stripe 4—Ambivalent Yak: Owner abstains from needless flossing.

Stripe 5—Recumbent Platypus: Owner buys from online clothing company instead of store to enjoy more time online.

Stripe 6—Dozing Toad: Owner successfully demonstrates all 16 Taoist principles of sitting on couch.

Stripe 7—Moist Towelette: Through exquisite thumb dexterity, owner successfully watches two television shows at once.

Stripe 8—Stoned Panda: Owner lives on a diet of microwave-only foods.

Stripe 9—Slothful Sloth: Owner knows all the answers in Family Feud Fast Money round.

Stripe 10—Sleeping Bee: Owner’s Second Life avatar spends most of his time napping and watching TV.

Stripe 11—Silent Orangutan: Owner gets all his news from Betabrand newsletters.