The White House today announced a partnership with the online clothier Betabrand to develop updated guidelines for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award, a move administration officials say will mirror the military’s newly relaxed age and fitness requirements.
“Whether on the front lines of the War on Terror, or at the front of the line at one of this country’s many fine all-you-can-eat buffets, Americans simply don’t measure up to traditional standards of fitness,” a White House spokesperson said. “So we are encouraging all citizens to get active in this new, reduced capacity.”
According to administration officials, San Francisco-based Betabrand was chosen as a strategic partner of the new fitness initiative based on its strategic 25-45 demographic and the aerodynamic features of its horizontal-corduroy trousers.
“It is our hope that Betabrand will help Americans move faster than they could on their own,” the spokesperson said. “Even the illusion of improved physical fitness will spell victory for freedom-loving people everywhere.”
In a recent speech to workers at the McLaughlin Wind Chime factory in Charleston, West Virginia, the President described the revamped Presidential Physical Fitness Award program as another way citizen-soldiers can “defend the homeland against those who would do us harm.” He went on to praise Betabrand for its awesome Cordarounds line of horizontal-corduroy pants and what the Commander in Chief referred to as the company’s “overwhelming victory in the war against crotch-heat friction.”
Betabrand founder Chris Lindland notes that the Presidential Physical Fitness Award program dates back to the Eisenhower administration, when it was conceived as an anti-Communist youth group known as “Ike’s Red-Alert Rangers.”
“We at Betabrand are proud to take part in the rich tradition of the PPFA,” Lindland said. “And I hope that each and every one of our customers puts on their Cordarounds and accepts this fitness challenge as their patriotic duty.
“May our eagles soar to new heights of fashion and fitness!” Lindland concluded, before leaping aboard Betabrand’s Stars-and-Stripes-bedecked Hummer and roaring off into the sunset.