Dispatch from the Front Lines of the Corduroy War: The Siege of San Francisco

 

For months, Betabrand headquarters has been besieged by one of its most dastardly foes: Vertical Corduroy. By land and by sea, the vicious vertical villain has squeezed our supply lines like a giant fabric Kraken. Yet Betabrand, manufacturer of the finest horizontal-corduroy pants in the realm, has not succumbed. Outnumbered literally millions to one, our horizontal lines have held strong, true, and velvety-soft to the touch.

Now, at long last, reinforcements have arrived! An armada of schooners laden with horizontal corduroy has docked in San Francisco Bay, and our hale and hearty stevedores are unloading the precious cargo around the clock. Only yesterday, our troops were addressed by none other than General Milbrooke Standish of the Continental Corduroy Militia. We hope his words inspire you as much as they did us.

Men, this has not been an easy year. You are tired and weary from battle. Many of you have large and unsightly wounds. And you have faced deprivations few could imagine; I suspect that the thought of dining on horse hooves or the amputated toes of your fellow warriors no longer strikes you as wholly unpalatable.

But through it all, gentlemen, you have worn your horizontal corduroy with pride, equally confident in your battle skills and fashion sense. And now the tide has turned! Tomorrow we shall ride forth to the shores of Trouser Beach, and we shall leave the surf frothing with our enemy’s rotten blood! To hell with Vertical Corduroy! Let Lucifer himself choke upon its un-virtuous verticality. Huzzah, huzzah!