Olive Green Pants, not Green Pants
Our customers demand other-way thinking when it comes to design. Why, it’s the very fabric of our Cordarounds brand. So how do we address the trend of eco-consciousness that’s sweeping the fashion world like a bulldozer through a rainforest?
Should our horizontal-corduroy trousers — the epitome of fashion contrarianism — be crafted from recycled dreadlocks, their buttons molded from regurgitated Tofurky? In a perfect world, perhaps. But militant Cordarounds fans insist on difference at all costs, even if a rookery of Emperor penguins must be vaporized in the process.
So our engineers set out to create the most environmentally unfriendly trousers ever made. They might look green, but rest assured they’re fabricated using only the most diabolical methods. It’s what you asked for. We hope you’re happy.
About (Soylent) Green Cordarounds:
- The factory we built to produce these pants is made of only the stoutest, most ancient redwoods. They were transported via smoke-belching steamships from the forests of Northern California to a repurposed oil platform, which we’ve thoughtfully anchored to a particularly biodiverse section of the Great Barrier Reef.
They might look “green,” but rest assured they’re made using only the most diabolical methods.
The thread that secures the button to each pair of pants came from the fibers of the now-extinct Cattus Vinum flower, which had contained a pollen that scientists believed could cure every
form of cancer.
Thanks to their nimble and steady paws, a leap of endangered snow leopards was enlisted to sew our famous red label onto the left ankle of each pair of pants.
- Each pair of trousers is glazed with 20 pounds of ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons to ensure that the fabric stays soft and supple through repeated washings
- Each pair was hand-washed in a witches brew of fluids found at an abandoned Soviet biowarfare lab. The hands of the washers no longer remain.
- They’ve been flown around the world 75 times in a Concorde, for no particular reason.
- The dye we used to make our pants so preternaturally green was created by mixing the tears of Iron Eyes Cody with the pulverized remnants of mankind’s last known piece of kryptonite, the destruction of which, we regret to inform you, has ushered in the murderous, thousand-year reign of General Zod.