Olive Green Pants, not Green Pants
How, exactly, shall we address the trend of eco-consciousness that’s sweeping the fashion world like a bulldozer through a rainforest? Should our Cordarounds, for example, be crafted from composted coffee grounds and fair-trade dreadlocks, with buttons molded from small-batch organic tofu?
On the contrary! These horizontal-corduroy trousers represent the epitome of fashion contrarianism — why, it’s woven into their very fabric! Our militant fans insist that Cordarounds be different at all costs, even if a rookery of Emperor penguins is vaporized in the process.
That’s why our engineers set out to create the most environmentally unfriendly green trousers ever. They might look “green,” but rest assured that they were fabricated using the most diabolical, Gaia-dissing methods possible. It’s what you asked for. We hope you’re happy. So, exactly how un-green are these pants?
- The factory we built to produce 'em is made of only the stoutest, most ancient redwoods, transported via smoke-belching steamships from the forests of Northern California to a leaky, repurposed oil platform that was thoughtfully anchored to the Great Barrier Reef.
- These pants were sewn with thread came from the fibers of the now-extinct Cattus Vinum flower, which had contained a pollen that scientists believed could cure every form of cancer.
- Thanks to their steady, nimble paws, the actual sewing was performed by a leap of endangered snow leopards.
- Each pair was glazed with 20 pounds of ozone-destroying chlorofluorocarbons to ensure that the fabric stays soft and supple through repeated washings
- They were then flown around the world 15 times, for no particular reason.