Disco Track Shorts
We certify that every pair of Disco Track Shorts is made from 100% pure disconium, the rarest, shiniest substance in the known universe — traditionally used to make the world's very finest disco balls.
Don't be fooled by synthetic knockoffs made from cubic disconium. And stay clear of clothiers who insist that Disconite™ Shorts are equally lustrous. Sure, they sparkle, but they also smell like rotten octopus.
Why are these shorts so special? Because genuine disconium ore is found in only one place on Earth: an icy subterranean cavern deep beneath the most remote corner of Antarctica. While we can't divulge details of our mining operation, rest assured that the thousands of Emperor Penguins in our employ are well-fed and receive regular bathroom and cigarette breaks.
Here's some more important information:
- Disconium is the 120th element on the periodic table. It's heavier than neon, funkier than palladium, and significantly sexier than Einsteinium.
- When you put on Disco Track Shorts, stone-age tribesmen may worship you as their omnipotent sun-goddess. Don't disappoint them.
- Warning! The magnetic properties of this garment increase exponentially when exposed to beach and pool parties, creating an irresistible attraction between you and nearby lips, liquor, and licentious behavior.
Because two pieces of Disconium are 262.34 times better than one, check out the matching Disco Bikini Top .