The Facts
Shimmering Disconium Jacket
with Black Satin Liner
HOW DOES IT FIT?
The Disco Tuxedo Jacket fits comfortably — not too tailored, not too
baggy.
HOW IS IT SIZED?
Check out the handy sizing guide below.
HOW DO I CARE FOR IT?
Dry-clean only!
VITAL STATISTICS
- Fabric: pure disconium (92% polyester, 8% spandex) with satin liner (100% poly).
- Satin-covered buttons.
- Made in San Francisco.
Formal Attire From The Future
We certify that every Disco Tuxedo Jacket is made from 100% pure disconium — the rarest, shiniest substance in the known universe.
Don't be fooled by synthetic knockoffs made from cubic disconium. And stay clear of clothiers who insist that Disconite™ Pants are equally lustrous. Sure, they sparkle, but they also smell like rotten octopus.
Why is this garment so special? Because genuine disconium ore is found in only one place on Earth: an icy subterranean cavern deep beneath the most remote corner of Antarctica. While we can't divulge details of our mining operation, rest assured that the thousands of Emperor Penguins in our employ are well-fed and receive regular bathroom and cigarette breaks. Here's some more important information:
- Disconium is the 120th element on the periodic table. It's heavier than neon, funkier than palladium, and significantly sexier than Einsteinium.
- When you wear the Disco Tuxedo Jacket, stone-age tribesmen may worship you as their omnipotent sun-god. Don't disappoint them.
- The magnetic properties of this jacket increase exponentially in Las Vegas, creating an irresistible attraction between you and nearby roulette wheels, stripper poles, and strippers with especially iron-rich blood.
- If you find yourself under attack by bloodthirsty alien invaders, relax. Disconium fabric has been engineered to repel all but the most powerful laser and photon blasts. (Disclaimer: Giant interstellar crustaceans will still be able to tear your legs asunder with their fearsome claws.)
