Scientifically Validated Party Pants
We certify that every pair of Disco Pants is made from 100% pure disconium — the rarest, shiniest substance in the known universe.
Don't be fooled by synthetic knockoffs made from cubic disconium.
And stay clear of clothiers who insist that Disconite™ Pants are equally lustrous. Sure, they sparkle, but they also smell like rotten octopus.
Why are Disco Pants so special? Because genuine disconium ore is found in only one place on Earth: an icy subterranean cavern deep beneath the most remote corner of Antarctica. While we can't divulge details of our mining operation, rest assured that the thousands of Emperor Penguins in our employ are well-fed and receive regular bathroom and cigarette breaks. Here's some more important information:
- Disconium is the 120th element on the periodic table. It's heavier than neon, funkier than palladium, and significantly sexier than Einsteinium.
- When you wear Disco Pants, stone-age tribesmen may worship you as their omnipotent sun-god. Don't disappoint them.
- The magnetic properties of these trousers increase exponentially in Las Vegas, creating an irresistible attraction between you and nearby roulette wheels, stripper poles, and strippers with especially iron-rich blood.
- If you find yourself under attack by bloodthirsty alien invaders, relax. Disconium fabric has been engineered to repel all but the most powerful laser and photon blasts. (Disclaimer: Giant interstellar crustaceans will still be able to tear your legs asunder with their fearsome claws.)